CLIVES INTERVIEWS
INTERVIEW FROM THE NEW WOMAN


Clive Robertson 

 Horny soap star 

 NW: Now, Ben, [oops, cardinal sin committed - never call a celeb by their character's name]
 Sorry! What'll you do to me if I keep calling you that? 
 Clive: I'll spank you [he says this with a deep and thrilling glance]. I'll put you over my knee
 and whip your arse. 

 NW: Not while I'm driving you won't. [My hand's gone sweaty on the gear stick] 
 We arrive at our swanky restaurant, Kartouche in Chelsea, and Clive asks for a Jack Daniels
 and Coke while he's talking about the anal examinations that were carried out when he had
 appendicitis. I'm pulling a face. 
 Sorry, we're on a fantasy date. Better remember that. God! 
 Clive: They've got kangaroo! I once went to a restaurant in Nairobi called Carnivore. They
 served zebra, antelope, cheetah, giraffe... 

 NW: A whole Safari park! 
 Clive: [To the hovering waiter] Thai fishcakes, please. She'll have them too. 

 NW: Oh, will she now? So, c'mon Clive, Ben is tall, dark, enigmatic. How like that are you? 
 Clive: I'm a fairly regular guy. 

 NW: You don't look like one drinking your cocktail out of that tiny straw. You look like a
 six-year-old! 
 Clive: A shrink'd have something to say about that. 

 NW: Have you ever had shrinkage? 
 Clive: Never had, never will - other than in bed. [I giggle] 

 'I'd never go up to a girl I didn't know from Adam and ask her out.' 

 NW: Let's stop talking body parts and get your take on dating. 
 Clive: Never been on a date in my life. I've always been too shy. I'd never go up to a girl I
 didn't know from Adam and ask her out. 

 NW: You've never been sharking? 
 Clive: I've done stuff pissed at a party. 

 NW: One night stands? 
 Clive: A couple, but they're a distant memory. In America, where I live now, the dating is
 mad. Blind dates are bog standard! You go out with someone you've never met and discuss if
 you're going to sleep together. 

 NW: Then you discuss whether they're silicone or real? 
 Clive: Actually, the first woman I met who had fake tits was very exciting. 

 NW: How about changing something about your appearance? Penis extension? Nose job? 
 Clive: Not a thing. My nose has been broken twice from rugby. See? [He takes my hand and
 runs my finger down it] Imperfections make you different. You don't want someone bland. 

 NW: What turns you on in a woman, then? 
 Clive: Confidence, someone who knows who she is. Even if she's not beautiful with the best
 figure in the world. 

 NW: That's me to a T, Clive. Shall we go for it? 
 Clive: I was thinking more Michelle Pfeiffer, Isabelle Adjani... know what I'm saying? 

 NW: [Sob!] So, what would be your idea of a heavenly date? 
 Clive: [Seeing I'm hurt] This, darling. 

 NW: Thanks. What about a date from hell? 
 Clive: I've never put myself in that position. 

 NW: So your dating life has gone smoothly from your first kiss to... 
 Clive: Oh no. That's completely different. We all have problems there. Once I got very drunk
 and passed out naked on the bathroom floor, and later found out that the girl I liked was the
 one who'd picked me up and put me to bed. I woke up with no clothes on except my boxer
 shorts round my ankles. We didn't get it together. 

 'I'm a tactile person.' 

 NW: Say we decided to, um, spend the day together. What would we do? 
 Clive: Go to Scotland, skinny-dip in a loch, lie naked on the sand, watching the sunset... 

 NW: What's the most sexy thing we could do without having sex? 
 Clive: [He giggles] Can't answer that, it'd be too lewd. 

 NW: Doesn't have to be sexual. 
 Clive: Yes it does. 

 NW: Well, tell me, then, and we'll do it. 
 Clive: You're blushing. 

 NW: Are you saying: Yes we can do 'it'? 
 Clive: You'll have to wait and find out. 

 NW: Are you flirting with me? 
 Clive: Probably. I deny it all the time. But I'm a tactile person. I don't know... it's horsing
 around. 

 NW: Do you like women flirting with you? 
 Clive: All for it. 

 NW: What about sexually pro-active women? Are they intimidating? 
 Clive: No, they can be attractive. Look, I feel sorry for women because the goal posts have
 moved so much. Some women want to be treated like women, others don't, and it's hard as a
 man to second guess it. Women are stuck with all the work and babies thing. The years
 you're at the height of your career are the same years you want to have kids. You're in a
 no-win situation really. 

 NW: I'm holding on to the artificial insemination option myself. 
 Clive: Cool. I'm totally liberal when it comes to things like that. 

 'Treat men with disdain and loathing. They enjoy the chase.' 

 NW: What's the best way for a woman to keep a man interested long term then? 
 Clive: You should treat them with disdain and loathing. Men enjoy the chase, even if they're
 having a terrible time, because when they finally get what they want, they think the grass is
 greener somewhere else. 

 NW: It's hard for men to be monogamous, is it? 
 Clive: My gut feeling is that men, biologically, are not monogamous. How else do you
 explain the drive to procreate? 

 NW: An excuse to have loads of sex? 
 Clive: If you think that's bad you should hear what men talk about when they're not with
 women. It's cruder than you think. I've never met a man who doesn't think like me, which
 leads me to the conclusion that... 

 NW: What? 
 Clive: I can't say. 

 NW: You tease! How many times a day do you think about sex then? 
 Clive: Women think about sex more than men do. 

 NW: That's complete bollocks! 
 Clive: Honest. Every 20 seconds or something and men think about it every minute. 

 NW: But women don't want the same from sex. 
 Clive: What do women want? 

 NW: Intimacy, satisfaction and multiple orgasms. 
 Clive: What a surprise. 

 NW: Seeing as we're being so open, can I ask you a final, deeply personal question? 
 Clive: Sure. 

 NW: Do you really want to sleep with me, Ben? 
 Clive: My, aren't we forward? What d'you reckon? 

 NW: Well, do you? 
 Clive: [He's laughing hysterically at this point] I couldn't possibly comment. 

 * You can catch Sunset Beach on Channel 5 every weekday at 10.20am and the
 omnibus on Saturdays at 3.30pm.